numb.

I haven't felt this for more than two years now and when I finally felt it for the first time in a long while, people's insincerity started showing. I guess in this recent modern world we're living in, to find sincerity in people around us would be near to impossible.

So I thought I'm used to this. To be honest, yes i was. I had no feelings before this. I shut myself away from people. And when I finally decided to open up myself again, people keep on shoving it up my ass by saying it's a bad idea. You know, to open up. To be yourself.

I thought I can go through this. I thought I am used to this. I guess I am just numb. Numb with all this pain. With all the lies. With all the acts by people around me. To trust, that would be hard work for me. I rather be by myself rather than getting hurt by people whom I care so much.

You make me care for you. You worked for it. Yet one day you just decided that you don't wanna talk to me anymore? Are you friggin kidding me? Right. That's how feelings work for you ey? An off and on switch? I'm sorry but not everyone is like you. So before you decide to make someone fall for you, think twice whether you really like that person or not.

YOU CAN'T JUST PLAY WITH PEOPLE'S FEELINGS LIKE THAT.

I hope nobody ever make you feel like how you made me feel. I hope that when you finally found someone you truly care about, she won't be a bitch like how you were an ass to me.

Goodluck mister. I wish you all the best.



n.

humanity fuck you!

why do i always get hurt? this is unfair. 

am i too nice? 

am i too naive?

before, i still hope there's still humanity in this world. somehow, i'm wrong. 

i just wanna be happy. and i want everyone around me happy as well. but somehow, every time i make people around me happy, i tend to be the one getting hurt. but it's worth it right? for some people yes. for the wrong people? that made me end up on the ground picking up the broken pieces of my heart. 

i got hurt too much that i don't have a heart anymore. i want to have a heart. but i can't. 

every time i tried mending my cute little heart, i start to get hurt AGAIN. will this ever stops? 

there's nobody that i could trust anymore.

everyone's a fraud. 

everyone's fake. 

everyone's just stupid. 

due to mankind, the number of stupidity that people tend to practice in their lives are just countless. 

will i ever gain back the strength to trust anyone? 

N. 

words ii

give it time.

i will meet my right one.

ONE DAY.




N.

YOU

all i ever wanted was

a shoulder to cry on.
ears to listen.
eyes to understand.
heart to love and care.


and accept ME the most. no matter in what situation i got myself in. no matter how fucked up i can be.


someone that will stay there by me, supporting me, care for me, even how fucked up i am.


he will stay. and still make me fall.



EVERYDAY.



N.

words

feelings.
leave my body.
dont ever come back.
leave me heartless.
leave me to be the most hated.

heart.
i'll keep you away from this world.
it's too bullshit to risk you.
from getting broken again.
i'll hide you.
somewhere that even i cant find you.

emotions.
disappear from my sight.
dont ever try to give me back the light.
let me stay in this darkness.
in this pitch black hole.



this is where i belong.



N.

bullshit

yo.

i'm soooooo frustrated with the Government at the moment. my course is a full-coursework based course and usually the time when we, the students have to complete their assignments is towards the last weeks of the semester. and suddenly the Government who claimed that they know what is "best" for everyone in the country implemented one criteria on malaysian students who are studying in private universities - in order to graduate, we have to at least pass modules like Islamic studies, Islamic and Asia's Civilisation, and Malaysian Ethics. and these modules have their own coursework too!

i wouldn't mind if the courseworks are given during the early semester and not at the last minute when they are all redundant with my course's assignments! which are defo more important than the stupid modules they force us to take. they by which i mean the GOVERNMENT obviously. man, i left Malaysian History like 2 years ago. camon, i have no time in remembering back what i've learnt before. damn!

uni life has just disastrous for everyone yo. camon. give us a break. dont mind other courses yo they have like exams and all. at least something they can rely on if they fuck up their coursework. but aint us the arts students yo. we rely our life on our coursework. dont do this to us.

man all i can do is complain complain and complain. yet, work has to be done. or no graduation for me yo.




the one who always complains,
N.

life as it is

yo yo waddduuupppp?

its been long since i last posted on this piece of crap lol. my friend, Jo, which also is my senior advised me to start writing a blog to practice my writing skills. but i have no skills to begin with! harharhar. been spending my life as a nomad for a week now. its like im a freaking homeless student who sleeps everywhere she can find a place to take a nap and resumes her work after. like wuuuuttttt? this course is killing me softly with his songs. shit!

theres pros and cons of being an ics student. you dont have any exams (which is for me AMAZING!) but we have killer-ass assignments to do and shit loads of journals to read and trillions of movies to watch. FML. and being someone who writes shitty essays - this is TORTURE! i can barely feel my brain inside my head. as azain said it - my baby brain could not take this pressure of thinking and analysing.

but to every depression, theres always friends to cheer you up so why the sadness? i love my friends. theyre like my life savior! nope. nothing can replace them. i dont really share any secrets with them but theyre very interesting. they taught me a lot about life as it is. lifes a bitch i know but life is still life. either you accept the shit youre gonna go through or you end it through suicide (which is not what i want for my life obviously).

i dont really write this piece of crap everyday but yeah if i have my time - the words flow like vodka. lol. words are words. theyre more powerful than a sharp blade. it can destroy somebody so powerful and hurt them bad. real bad. so should i be a journalist and search for truths or should i stick with the plan of working with production houses? but there is no truth anymore in this weird world. lies are the truth which is fucked up. why cant people just stick to being honest and stop all these nonsense of fame.

human beings are weird and fucked up. thats why i hate everybody. everybodys bullshit basically so yeah. might as well just go with the flow and be a fucker as well. lol. im an ass i know. takes one to know one hun so be glad youre a fucker as well *doesnt give two shits* man, this ignorant character that i have in me is not gonna help me at all for my course. i have to be as tolerant as ever if i wanna be a better person.

but why be a better person when nobody even appreciates you being nice? people will always assume your sincerity as something that i do to have fame. bitch please im glad im INVISIBLE. i dont fucking want people to know who i am. thats BULLSHIT. i rather having only SOME people know me and others not knowing who the fuck is nadhrah lol. oh well lifes gotta move on. take care peeps!




xoxo,
n.

hewhewhew

even though it's usual for me to come home for such a short time....

but this holiday is actually the most memorable one. i spent more time with mommy (like finally!) and it was nice. two weeks is not enough to bond back the mother daughter relationship. but i'm grateful that at least i got the chance :)

it must be hard for mommy since i'm going back to uni this weekend. but what to do..... sem is starting. and i have to be prepared and get ready. both physically and mentally. aiyakk! why so early leyy spring semester? the winter is not even over! T___T

results are not out yet. hannah said one of her lecturers told her its gonna be after the 15th. but i'm soooo nervous right now. ketaq lutut wey! i just hope i get over 60. just over 60 and i'm a happy girl already. it's hard to get 70 so don't even have to think about it. i just hope my essays are alright tho. please please lady luck be on my side T____T

it's time for me to focus more on this spring semester. aim higher. work harder. play less. hehehe. read more and more. i think i've been reading until my eyes are getting sore. damn. i have eyebags now T___T why oh why? at least my skin is still in great condition *flipshair*

anyway....

i'm gonna miss you mommy. and daddy. and i know you guys are gonna miss me too :p just don't miss me too much. later i cray cray hewhewhew. take care of yourselves. and don't forget to eat your medicines! and eat correctly and eat healthy. no more fast food or junk food! okay? i love you guys.





xoxo,
n.

the guy who changed my life

let me tell you a story about someone who taught me a lot about life and love.

i knew him through a mutual friend when he added me on YM. i was seriously not a friendly person to begin with and yes, i'm not so good at making friends - especially the opposite sex. yes, i'm outspoken but i use a lot of sarcasm in my vocab and yes, i do swear a lot. most prolly one of the reasons why guys hate me so much (yeah you know guys... they want a lady - soft spoken, gentle, "perempuan melayu terakhir", do not swear and shit like that). and i'm totally the opposite of that.

at first when he added me i'm like wtf? i don't even know you and how the freaking F can you add me on my personal messenger! i was furious so i scolded my friend who gave me my e-mail and he's like "chill. he's cool. trust me when you get to know him, you'll enjoy his company". and yes turned out to be he is the most understanding and caring person i've ever met. i'm mostly on my own and was lonely and he was always there for me. he helped a lot through everything. EVERYTHING.

we met for the first time at the entrance of Petrosains (which is an annually routine for my dad to bring me there) and it was damn i was like a shy barbie doll. Farah didn't thought i would be that kind of girl that will hide behind her just because i was meeting my boyfriend for the first time (mind me, yes he was my first XD). then, that was it. he is sooooo adorable! i went to boarding school and we'll meet from time to time when i'm back home.

he'll come down to ipoh from taiping by bus (since he has no license) and i was flattered by his determination to see me. he does love me very much. i know. when i was in form 2, and he was in his form 4, we got into the same school! yay! yupp, he got into the same school as me. actually i got to know it first coz abang wan told me. that spoiler piece of crap! hahaha. he thought i knew it already coz he thought i called my superman first as the mjsc results went out that day. but i was so nervous so i called abang wan first to calm down but he spilled the news first. so here's the convo:

AW: eh kekasih hati myra dapat mrsm ph
me: oh okayy
AW: ehh okay je?
me: happy laa... hmmm...
AW: myra ni blurr ke ape?
me: *thinking*processing* EH THATS MY SCHOOL!!! hahahaha omgomgomgomg really?!!
AW: see? takkan okay je.

so i was jumping around happily screaming to everyone "omg my boyfriend's in the same school as me!!!" and i called him straight away

me: hyyyeeee *blushing*sengih macam kerang busuk*
sweetheart: hello sayang. how are you?
me: heh. sihat je. so amacam?
sweetheart: ermm abang dapat mrsm ph.
me: waaaa congrats!
sweetheart: hehehe thanks. ermm....
me: heeee kite satu sekolah laa nanti!
sweetheart: hehehe yupp! omg like finally! macam tak sangka je....

and so the rest of the convo is history and private no need to know hahaha. i remembered during the registration i saw him unpacking his stuff from his car to his room (since his room is just opposite mine) :p and so i was soooo excited! i didn't talk to him even though i've seen him like a million times. at the dining hall, at the surau (kat surau pun nak menggatal!) hahaha. sat at the front row and he sat at the back row so senang nak skodeng lol :p and his first words to me was during the orientation night when i sang in front with my team and as i finished my performance he whispered "sedap suara" and i blushed and i just jeling je. marah pulak tu. hahaha. and he laughed "garangnya".

ahhh memories~

and then after that i just tried my best to ignore him and hide from him as i don't wanna meet him. i was so shy! i am. well i was. hahaha. wait, still am. hahaha. until one day (still orientation week) i got the same team as him! i tried my very best to not be in the same team but well orang kata jodoh kan.... hahaha. we had to do a paper helicopter and it's like a competition between teams.

sweetheart: hyyyyeeee *sengih*
me: oh hye *control macho*
sweetheart: so cepat ahh buat!
me: ape orang pulak. dia ah buat! dia ade pekakas.
sweetheart: *campak pencilbox* sekarang dia ada. cepat buat!
me: woyy apasal pulak?
sweetheart: *jegil mata* buaaattt.....
me: *tunduk* okayy :(

everyone on the team was like err... whats going on? coz everyone didn't even know each other and we're already fighting like apebende ntah. hahaha. and the rest is history. we dated a lot back then (since we're in the same school lol) he helped me with my studies and my problems. and every morning i'll paste post it notes on his desk with love notes hehehe :p exchange letters (even though we called each other every night and texted like every second) hahaha.

and the whole school (including the teachers) started to smell something. they couldn't figure out who with who but they knew something was up. and when the students started to gossip (since they found out our myspace accounts) hahahahahahahaha so yeah. many many memories. but the one that i will remember the most would be the sunset event. well i know he still remembers this.

he's like the most almost perfect guy i've ever met. no flaws. has everything a girl wants in her boy. the perfect set. but i did a mistake. i broke his heart. i broke him. and that's the most stupidest thing ever that i will forever regret in my life. even my cousin hates me for that. i shouldn't have done that. but i did. and i'm the guilty one. and i will never forgive myself.

why am i posting this entry about you?

it's his birthday today. happy birthday superman! ^_^ i wished you every year but i think you've changed your number already. i don't think you'll ever read my blog (wait yeah we've lost contact for like forever already) hahaha. but i just wanna say happy birthday! may all your wish come true. semoga panjang umur murah rezeki dan berjaya dalam hidup. whomever that ends up with you is a really really lucky girl. i envy her so much. but i know she'll love you with all her heart and she's definitely better and the best for you. she'll bring out the best in you. and will make you the happiest man alive. i'm sorry for all my wrong doings. you will always have a special place in my heart. and in my prayers.

thank you for bringing out the best in me. making me the happiest girl ever. giving me the best moments in my life. teaching me about life and making me understand what love is. giving me the support and motivation when i was at my lowest point. never give up on me. always be patient with my attitude. love me and care for me like nobody ever did. showing me what love is. telling me that my family always do love me, they just don't have time to tell me or to show me. always be there by my side, be my shoulder for me to cry on. always be the one who wiped my tears and bring sunshine when it's raining. always be my comforter to make me feel comfortable. my personal pillow (he is!) my laughing machine. my clown. my best friend. my brother.

there's nothing that i can do to repay you back for what you've done. for what you've become in my life. and i lost half of my life when i lost you. and that's my lost. i'm sorry again for everything. happy birthday again superman. if you're reading this :) thank you again for everything. take care! ^^v






xoxo,
n.

a note for myself

i'm 20 now. 

wow. i'm old. i'm an adult now. how fast time flies. 

older. more mature. more responsibility. and i have to be responsible to everything that i wanna do, that i am doing and what i've done in life. 

right now two responsibilities that i should be focussing on - family and studies. 

both my grandparents and parents are getting older. after all these years they have been taking care of me. now, it's my time to take care of them. 

i keep on blaming my past for not having a more adventurous one, i keep on blaming everything for the life i'm having. little did i forget that the past is just a memory and now, the present, is the time for me to change and to accept and to be more mature. 

they need me now. and i have no legit reason to say no. after all of the sacrifices they've done for me - should i say no? HELL NO. 

as time pass, i realised that they do need me. 

they need me to be the one taking care of them instead of them taking of me. i'm an adult now. a big girl. a lady. a WOMAN. i can take care of myself. but they can't. they don't have the ability to do so already. 

everybody knows as we grow older, we tend to get sick often and we have less energy to do our routines. and now they're in that phase. the phase where they're depending on the young ones to take care of their needs and their life. 

and i'm in that phase where i have to realise that they need me. 

there's no more time to enjoy. there's no more time to have fun. yeah of course we can have fun sometimes but not all the time. 

watching my grandparents and parents and taking care of them since i finished school - i realised a lot of changes. and i realised that they are getting old. and i have to be their strength. their support. their motivation. i have to be the grown up now. its the other way round. yes, i'm the grown up now. i have to make the decisions, i have to take care of all matters, i have to be the guardian. 

be strong mommy daddy, opah atok. and be strong nadhrah. 

i love you guys. 

xoxo,

n. 

this is for you.

love is something that we can't lie. and to be honest, it is hard for me to give out my love and to accept someone's love. 

i've once had it. and. i've lost it. 

i love you. i've always had. the time that we spent and the sacrifices that i made and the promises that i said - those were never lies. but probably because we're too young to understand how the world works, and we're too young to not experience our lives, now is not the right time to actually be together. you were my best friend, my soulmate, my love, my protector, my everything. but we're just too different. 

and i know you will read this. one day. and this is my love letter to you. 

when i first saw you, it was love at first sight. i have no idea what gotten into me, but i was madly into you. you're funny, comfortable to be with, a GREAT listener, a brother i never had. i remembered the first time you asked me where am i staying - i literally wanted to run and hide at that time but yeah we were on the bridge so obviously there's nowhere to go. hahaha. silly me =___=

the first time we connected was the moment you gave me my bag, at that time when i stared into your eyes all i can see is you. YOU - the person who i fell in love with. and yes, your eyes are my weakness. your smile is my addiction. your love is my passion. 

even though the time we spent was only for a year, it felt like forever. 

but we're too different. i'm a rebellious person. i hate to be controlled. i hate to be decided. i hate when people start to interfere with my business. all i want is for someone to listen to my complaints, my nags, and to be there for me. no matter what. but also in the same time, give me space for me to enjoy my life with my friends. 

and you can't do that. 

no matter how much i love you, i can't let you do that to me. no matter how much i love you, i need my space to enjoy my life. no matter how much i love you, our differences made it too hard for me to stand you. no matter how much i love you, i wasn't happy most of the time. 

sayang, 

no matter what you will always be the greatest, sweetest memory of mine. the time we spent, the memories we made, the love we shared is irreplaceable. even though i said that i'm okay, but i'm hurt. there's not a single day that i never think of you. to know how are you doing, to know what you are doing, to know that you're alright. but you know i have ego issues. i refrain myself from destroying myself by doing that. 

sayang,

i'm sorry if it has to end like this. i just can't do it anymore. for the time being. i want to enjoy my life. i want to experience everything that i can experience. and create memories with my friends. my best friends. no matter what you think of them - i love them. if you're saying they're bad influence? i guess you're wrong. i'm their bad influence. not them. nobody can influence me. i have my own ideologies. i plan my life, and the journey. 

sayang, 

who knows probably one day in the future we'll meet again. and this time we're more mature and ready. we know more about the world. and we'll be more knowledgable. macam pepatah "kalau dah jodoh, tak kemana kan?" i want you to study hard, do your very best in everything you do, achieve your goals and dreams, enjoy life to the fullest and create memories with your friends. spend time more for yourself and think for yourself and not others. 

sayang,

take good care of yourself. be happy always. smile the brightest. laugh the hardest. and just enjoy life. 

always remember - ever thine, ever mine, ever ours. 

and i know you know this letter is for you sayang. thanks for remembering my birthday when nobody remembered it. at least i still know there's still someone who cared about me. i love you. 

xoxo,

n. 

help this person out!

heyy guys! whats up?

so i have this friend who really is in need of money right now. so this friend gave me a link that will help oneself gain money.

its not a hassle at all! just click on the link to help out :)

http://stayreward.com/index.php?share=66909

just a click away in helping out other people and make others smile. enjoy your day!



xoxo,
n.

a gentle self reminder

"age is just a number. it will always increase throughout the years, so why do the need of a celebration?"


someone told me this and made me realise that a birthday celebration is indeed something a human wants but not what a human needs. it is said that why do we need a celebration when we know we're still going to grow older, we're still going to be more mature and we're still going to die in the end.

sometimes what a human wants is what a human needs.

this is what people always forgot. necessity is something that a human wants and need. it's their desire to have a celebration to remind oneself that they are not alone, that all the people they care and love, care and love of them, and that they know they are not alone.

i've never had a birthday celebration for myself before. i accept it and i live with it.

and that is how i know how lonely i am. i love and care about all those who i love. but i will never know who among them loves me back. i never expect anything from anyone. however, a little appreciation wouldn't hurt right? a little reminder that someone also do care and do love you too wouldn't hurt. a little hint of someone still remembers you wouldn't hurt.

i do have many people surrounding me everyday. especially in school. since i live almost my whole life away from home, i'm always surrounded by human beings. but i would always remind myself, that i can only trust myself as i, will not leave myself alone. and everybody else will somehow leave you in the end. either they'll leave you without noticing you or leaving you with happiness or leaving you in total despair.

i learnt that throughout my whole life.

and with that, i survived. i survived even i know that i'm all alone. i survived even i know that this may be permanent. i survived even i know it hurts. and this survival is a hard one. call me a sore loser for not having friends or anybody, IDGAF. it hurts, yes. but i know if i fight back, one day i'll get my happiness. probably not now, but most possibly in the future.

forget the past. seize the day. go with the flow. and dream of the future.

how i wish it's that easy. but it's not. don't say you know what i'm going through because none of you knows. i may smile everyday, laugh with all my heart and be cheerful everytime. but deep down, i know i have a miserable life. emptiness. darkness. sadness. despair. hurt.

i may not cry. i may not complain. i may not be depressed.

who will know? who will ever know? nobody.

but i have to stay strong. for everybody who i care about, who i love. i have to keep on smiling and enjoy the laughter for them. my family. my friends. my enemies. even strangers. because they don't know what i'm dealing with. and they don't have to know.

but most of you might probably wonder why am i telling this in public?

an entry is made based on what i feel. what's inside my heart. sometimes you just need to let it go to make space for new ones to fill in. you need to let go of the despair inside your heart to make way for happiness or other sets of despair. you need to let go to forgive. and forget.

forgiveness? that's really easy for me to do. i don't keep grudges. and i can easily forgive people. but to forget? that's the hard part. if i want to forget, i'll forget about everything - including the happy moments. but that's my problem, i don't want to forget the happy memories. i want to keep them. but in the end, those memories will lead me to pain. and sorrow. so why keep them?

that is why i'm quiet. because i have nothing to say. i have no memories - either happy ones or the sad ones. because if i forget, i will forget them all. and it hurts. for a human being to not have any memories or experience. to me, let's just make a new one instead. but then, listening to people who have memories, HURTS. really hurts. because i have none. and that is sad.

yes i do realise i sound so pathetic. but i am pathetic. and i don't care of what people think of me. this is my rights to express. and my rights to write whatever i want. neither my joy nor my pain. so why do care about what i write if you don't even care about me? don't say you care but then you actually don't. actions speak louder than words. eventhough words are powerful - as it's permanent but actions stays forever as memories. which i don't have.

happy birthday amirah nadhrah binti radzuan.

may you stay strong going through everything you have in life. may you stay strong for those who you care and love. may you stay strong, happy, and keep on smiling. you ask me what i want for my birthday?

all i ever wanted is to be happy and free.

but i know you can't make it true. i know nobody can make it true. and i know i'll be the only one who can make it true. but i can't. i don't have the strength. i don't have the will. i don't have the courage.





may the odds will ever be in my favour.

what's happening to kids these days?

hello peeps!

its been a while since my last post. didnt have any ideas to mumble about what. as usual, the hols aint that fun but it aint that boring either. i guess? i bought books (like finallaayyhh!) to actually fill in my leisure time with some readings. since... i finish all of my series T__T spend most of the time on the computer (playing games most of the time) and yeah... spending more time at grannies'.

well today i met quite a few of my primary school friends! hahaha and talking about going down memory lane~ i almost teared up. but yeah... life gotta move on niggah.

talking about primary... i miss my friends a lot. manos... shafnaa... melenie... ezzaty... elaine... bella... kirsten... to name a few that im kinda close with :) man... i cant believe its been 8 years already since i left marian. and how time flies. but im still in contact with some of them. and not to mention some of my teachers too! teehee ^^v

trust me... i was a very naughty kid back then. even though im the head prefect but imagine if the head prefect is a retard - other kids? nahhh... they were much better. but i have no idea why the teachers chose me. prolly they thought it could discipline me? nyahahaha a bit maybe :p im still a pain the arse to my teachers :p

despite of all my mischieves and naughtyness... i still respect my teachers though. never have i ever dared to actually answer them back, be rude to them, shout at them or anything that shows me being a disrespectful student. one thing i know for sure, thats not what my parents taught me. my parents taught me to always be polite, well mannered, kind and show respect to those who are older than you. me as someone who is younger need to treat my elders so gentle and carefully not to hurt their feelings.

apart from that, i can do whatever i want. i guess? hahaha :p but i watched a video posted recently on YouTube regarding a student who with disrespect shouted at his teacher like he has the authority. and the teacher needs to apologise to him. and im like what the fffffffffffffffffffff ??!!!!!!!!!! you gotta be freaking kidding me? where have all the manners and respect and ethics go? and trust me. i bet you the kid is still in primary.

what is happening to kids these days? didnt they learn to respect the elders? especially your parents and teachers? teachers are people who educate you. give you knowledge. nurture you with moral values. i owe a lot to my teachers. they taught me many things in life and made me to open my mind to a broader perspective to see life. they saved me from becoming someone who i dont wanna be - someone who's not interested in knowledge. they taught me how to be a better person. they taught me that relationships, no matter with anyone are meant to be cherished and appreciated. they taught me that i will not succeed without the help of others. and not being selfish will make you receive more than what you have given out. they taught me that i can succeed if i never give up and if i work hard to realise my dreams.

my teachers... are one of the people who i really really am grateful to get the chance to know and be close with them.

my teachers... who never gave up on me. who always advice me. who always give me support to keep on working hard.

my teachers... who believed that i can even though the whole world though i couldnt.

my teachers... who keep on pushing me even though i am a pain the ass for everyone. my ignorance is the one that killed me.

but my teachers helped me. to not be an ignorant person when it comes to knowledge. when it comes to information. when it comes to education.

my teachers... who said being ignorant to other aspects in life is okay.

my teachers... who i can never repay back of all the sacrifices they made for me.

thank you very much to all my teachers. from kindergarten, to primary, to secondary and now in uni. thank you so much and i love ya'll!


in loving memory of the teachers in:
> SK Marian Convent Ipoh
> MJSC Merbok
> MJSC Pengkalan Hulu
> MJSC Tun Ghafar Baba
> University of Nottingham


p.s. this is the link to the video of the rude kid who shouted at his teacher and demanded the teacher to apologise to him. ASSHOLE. let us all kill this child =______=
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OQMiqhvojB0





TEEHEE ^^v

single and happy :)

yeah it could be lonely sometimes when you're alone and you're so used of having companies around you. but having an alone time with yourself could give you a lot of opportunities to take care of yourself and make yourself a better person. i guess?

being alone doesnt mean im lonely. being in a relationship doesnt mean im happy. right?

you can say i used to be a girl who never not have a boyfriend. when i broke up i will tend to go find a new one and get into a relationship asap. but i didnt have the happiness i was looking for. after my first major breakup with my first true love, to me every guy is just... not for me? to me i got the almost perfect apple and i lost it. and other apples are just not the one...

but thats my mistake. i keep on looking at the problem through ONE perspective. and i forgot that life is all about looking at problems from different angles and different perspectives.

and after my last breakup i found out that love never comes easy. if it comes easy then it wont last. take things slowly. and get to know someone better before you made the decision to end up with him. i guess?

i learnt that if a guy doesnt like you for who you are, then hes not worth it. eventhough you love him so dearly, and willing to sacrifice just anything.... if he asked you to change just a bit? then hes not the one. i learnt that love doesnt define who you are. love is just love. you dont need to prove anything to anyone. if you love each other that deep, you'll just know. you dont have to prove it. i learnt that love is proven through actions and not words. you might say i love you a million times a day but if your actions show otherwise, then those words are just words. actions could be seen through various kind of ways and it differs from guys to guys.

ive always got the easy kinda guys. like easy to be read easy to confess easy to say they loved me easy to blablabla and bla. a lot to list. but ive always like to hook up with someone mysterious. i guess? even i know i'll get my heart broken. but bad boys are always the cool one to hangout with.

yeah its 2014 and im starting this year as a single lady. and i kinda like it. hahaha. finally i can actually be my true self without bothering to actually please anyone and only to please myself. i dont give two shits about anything or anyone anymore. i might struggle a bit to actually flirt (i dont flirt) but yeah we learn new things everyday right? hahaha.

p.s. if anyone here have flirting tips or dating tips do drop your comments down below. i might need some advices on that lol


xoxo,
n.

what defines you?

yooooo waaasssssuuuuuppppppp?!

nothings up that much. im done with exams and assignments. got a few left but i guess im good. so as i was doing some of my research on google, i found an awesome video that is just........ soooooo awesome! it was a motivational video and the speaker was lizzie. and nothing can ever define how amazing she is in how she dealt with life.

basically lizzie is just a normal girl but she has a weird disease which made her cannot gain any weight and she is visually impaired (she can only see with her left eye). so yeah. and she said being her is not easy. due to her disease she is very very veerrryyyy thin and she needs to wear "contact" just to see. on one eye.

from the very beginning everybody hates her. everybody as we know it are assholes, JUDGMENTAL assholes treated her like shit everyday. the sad part was it started when she was still an innocent 5 year-old kid who have no idea whats going on and why are all the kids teasing her bullying her. she went back to her parents and asked "why?" imagining yourself as parents and having to tell them to understand that theyre different..... thats hard man. thats like the worst feeling ever.

but no. instead her parents said "no. theres nothing wrong with you. youre beautiful and dont let anyone of them judge you and define who you are. YOU DEFINE WHO YOU ARE". talking about awesome parents? thats about it. making you understand that your life is your choice and nobody, NOBODY can ever decide what your choices are for your life.

they call you ugly? beauty CANNOT be defined by anything.

they call you stupid? bitch please im on my way getting my degree now. and youre calling me stupid?

they call you short? im short and cute. niggah please its not like im the only one whos short in this world.

they call you fat? im fat yeah sure. i still weigh less than you. i still weigh less than 60 and you bitches who weigh more than me calling me fat?

and yes. ive been through lots of those shits in school and im just immuned to it already. ive been in worse situation even. living in a school with 800++ students who hated you for no reason during the 1st day of registration. FIRST DAY! omg. like seriously? i didnt do shit. all i did was listening to my mp3 and just smile if theres anyone whos looking at me like im an alien. and trust me. if people look at me that way and i look normal. i have a normal face, no disease. bitch i look like a human being yet they stare at me like i came from pluto or something. imagine if youre lizzie.

well who are you to say some people are ugly? who are to call some people with dirty names?

WHO ARE YOU?

and do you think i care? bitch please. i dont give any shits about you. call me anything you want. spam on my facebook wall. write an entry about me in your blog. write in on the wall. on my table. in my books. everytime they did that i just read it and smirk. bitch you aint gonna define who i am. I DEFINE MYSELF. call me short, fat, ugly and stupid. i know who i am and i know how i am.

i dont have to define myself here. i dont need to prove anything to anyone. i just prove it to myself. yeah nadhrah you have gone through a lot of shits and yet you are smiling today. dont give a damn about all those who thought you should just literally disappear from this world. theyre not worth it.

youre asking me to kill myself coz im ugly? coz im fat? coz im short? coz im stupid?

firstly, nobody is ugly in this world. everyone is beautiful. Allah will never create anything ugly. then why are you calling people ugly and shits like that? "oh im embarrassed to be your classmate coz youre the ugliest bitch in this school" and i was like wuuuuttt? talking about smart kids showing off their "smartness" by talking crap like that. and yes i was in one of the best schools in malaysia. but the mentality of the students there? well now i know why people call them smart. theyre just book smart. they study, read books, memorise them and get all correct in exams.

and you call me stupid? HUGE CAPITAL LOL FOR YOU.

you calling me short? i have a million of friends who are just the same height as me. guys even. nothing is wrong with that. just because you are slightly taller than me doesnt prove youre better than me. if youre tall but youre still an asshole. youre just an asshole. you calling me fat? define fat. just because i look bigger than everyone else that has the same height as me doesnt mean im fat. niggah i weigh 53 kg for goodness sake. and i wear M size. what about those who wears bigger sizes than me?

sometimes i just dont understand why people hate me for no reason. some people they just hate me without even knowing me. some random people who never met me, lives in another state than me, who never went into the schools i attended yet they still hate me for no damn reason. really? and you calling me a stupid bitch? man. society is just so messed up. when some people talk, i just rather jump from burj dubai or just blend my brain.

some people say that im hated of the things i say...... oh well most probably. im rude yes i know. but im NOT always rude. ask my friends or people who HANGSOUT A LOT with me. not those who just know my name but i dont even know who they are. like bitch please. i never talk to you and youre calling me rude? well whatever. that is why i dont talk that much. i rather say nothing than say something and get hated because of it. might as well just live in my own world, complete my studies and earn a living.

you are not here to impress society or people.

NOBODY CAN IMPRESS ANYBODY.

my advice to everyone whos out there and have no idea why people hated you. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF. do not ever let anyone defines who you are. YOU DEFINE YOURSELF. they say youre ugly? bitch please beauty can never be defined. theyre saying youre stupid? shut up go study and show to them: haha i got my masters and now im your boss. who youre calling stupid again? theyre saying youre fat? eat anything you want. you wanna be fit... hit the gyms. dont eat till you have an obese disease or something.

impress youself. and not everyone else. theyre just simply not worth it.

and if you say nobody is gonna love you? true love will always find its way. Allah has created human in pairs. you'll find your prince charming one day. dont worry. lifes short but everything thats good will come to those who are patient. and being patient is just what you need. if hes your soulmate, youll know. he will not define you and will love you for who you are, what you are. no matter how.

so cheers to all the people who are so awesome by not letting anybody define them and love life!



xoxo,
n.

semenyih isnt safe anymore

for the past few months many criminal cases were reported.

1. gang robbed
2. snatch thieves
3. rape
4. robberies
5. road bullies

semenyih isnt safe anymore. especially taman tasik semenyih. and this specific residential area are mostly students. nottingham uni's students to be exact. and we as students, we are feeling really really insecure right now. we all need to stay on campus. off campus areas are really not safe anymore. these people do not know their limits anymore. and they are expanding. i dont think all these crimes are done by one specific group of people but they have severals. not really sure whether they are locals or foreign contractor workers but it is really not safe anymore.

my house just got broken in. dont really know when did this happen. me and my housemate left the house unoccupied for more than 2 weeks already. my housemate came back this evening and found out our house was ransacked. not sure what else is missing but the TV and my playstation was taken. my room was a mess all the rooms' doors are broken. the sliding door got smashed and everything is just HAVOC.

and this is not the first time students around this area got robbed. there are many cases already but i guess its not our luck too for getting broken in too. and yes we have to move. i guess all these people already marked us and have been watching us for a long time. they have strategic plans to when actually undergo their operation.

the police really need to do something about this. and not to forget the admin of the uni too. since you guys dont provide enough rooms for all the students and forcing them to stay off campus i guess you guys have to take responsibility of our safety. your students are being robbed and their safety is at sake. how can you sit back and relax and enjoy your damn cup of coffee everyday knowing that your students are not safe.

and yet you guys have the guts to say its not your responsibility?

you guys took enough money from us but the services, the facilities and the infrastructures you're providing us are shit. admins really need to buck up their services and management real quick. more students are getting pissed off day by day and if you really want to be the best you really have to make a move asap.


xoxo,
from an angry student


p.s. i got so pissed off coz the playstation i bought with my hard earn money. damn you robbers!

happy and yes happy ;)

finallaayyy its the weekend!


and yes finally we got time to spend for each other yey! its 4.53pm in netherlands and its 11.53pm in malaysia and finally we got time to text. woohoo! i'm a happy kid \O/

my friendship with you is something i would have never imagined. but i'm really comfortable being friends with you and sharing my stories and telling you everything that i have in mind. thank you for making me smile everytime without fail and being a good listener to me. YOU ARE A GREAT FRIEND. i just hope one day i can go to rotterdam and meet you!

you're starting your semester already. and i'm starting mine. we both gonna be extra busy this spring and oh well, i guess in netherlands its gonna snow until april maybe? you are so lucky! at least later you'll have tulips. send me some pleeeaassseeee?

i just hope i can go to UK this september. then, prolly i'll have the chance to finally meet you in person! after such a looonnnggg time :) this entry is for you my friend, thank you for everything!



xoxo,
n.

asian parents

yes. i'm a malay. not pure malay. quarter malay quarter arab half banjarese. but on my IC yeah i'm a malay. as in malaysia we need to have the so-called 'race'. why can't we all be malaysians instead of malay, chinese, indian or others? well, let's not discuss that matter.

as everyone knows asian parents are legitimately THE most strict parents ever. and asian will be referred to the chinese, japanese and ext.......

even tho i'm a malay but my parents are an example of ASIAN PARENTS. and this entry is what asian parents forced their children to do


1. get PERFECT scores in all of the subjects

like seriously, if i ever get a B in a subject they will question the shit out of me. like "why you no study?" "why you no serious in studying?" "why you no do exercise?" "why you no practice?" "why you always sleep?" "why you careless?" "why you no focus?" literally i sleep at 1am in the morning everyday to study but if i ever get a B for my parents its like i just stared at my book for 5hours without doing anything. you gotta be kidding me omg!


2. mathematics exercises every freaking day!

yes. maths is a subject that is a MUST for me to get PERFECT scores. its like there's no reason at all for me to not get perfect scores. if i ever did not get perfect scores omg its like thunderstorm coming from my parents. yes maths is a subject that there's only right or wrong answers. and its like sooooo easy to score. you just have to answer the question accordingly and calculate it correctly. but yeah i always make silly mistakes and my carelessness caused me to attend a 3 hours lecture non-stop by my beloved 2 lecturers at home T_____T

in order to get that perfect scores, 50 questions everyday without fail. and if i fail to ever do so, again. lectures. my parents wont beat me. to them beating me will not solve anything. so they tortured me psychologically. and it works man. it really worked! all i can do is just cry the whole night. and promise myself to complete all the exercises in order to not get tortured. like i will force myself. getting lectured is more painful then having to do 50 questions everyday. seriously guys, trust me.


3. learning MANDARIN

你知道吗，我的父母要我学习汉语这样我可以与中国谈。我学会了汉语，因为我四岁。and i struggled like maaaadddd. mandarin is not an easy language okay. without practice you'll forget easily and the pinyin. omg the pinyin. if you pronounce it wrongly, it will give different meanings. and sometimes those meanings are not puurrrdddyyyy i tell you! hahaha. i do enjoy mandarin. very much! and i love to speak in mandarin as most of my friends are chinese anyway :D and i can simply talk to the taxi driver, the fish aunty, the florist in mandarin! yeay! much easy to communicate. i just hope one day i can go to china and improve my mandarin. i HOPE. in sha Allah amin :)


4. extra abilities

having an extra 'thing' to be good at apart from academic is vital. and my extra ability is that i can read music, play music, make music and oh well, i'm a certified musician. my mom said having the ability to play instruments and getting certified is something what employees are searching for in the future. i might have good grades, graduated in honour, and have an awesome personality. but if i have this 'extra talent' in my cv, it gives you more chances to get employed.

i got my o-levels in music when i was 12. and that was sooooo like a long time ago. i stopped for a while coz i went to boarding school. but i continued my music studies during the one month school holidays. now i'm in the process of attaining my a-levels. and hopefully i can continue my diploma after. studying music is hard, trust me. don't you think that it's easy. it's full of shit. and yes my teacher is also an example of an asian parent (to me) all of her students MUST get distinction. during the trial exam and the real exam. or you cannot take the exams at all. like ever. if you wanna take it too, find another teacher.

scary? she is. but she's nice to me coz i'm a good girl :p she loves me the most *perasan*


5. study 24/7 and NO FUN OR ENTERTAINMENT

last but not least is the part where i have to study 24 hours a day 7 days a week and i'm not allowed to have fun or enjoy the slightest bit of entertainment. but prolly most of you who knows me will say this is bullshit. but yes. ITS TRUE omg. all the fun that i have and the entertainment that i experienced are all without the knowledge of my parents lol. whats fun without a risk right? whats risk without some lies? some? oh well life goes on hahahaha!


so basically those are some of the things that asian parents do to their children. but i guess i'm thankful and grateful for having such parents because of what i am and how i am today. many would say that my mentality is corrupted for being too westernised? but listen. its a globalised world now. theres no borders theres no boundaries. you need to keep an open mind if you want to experience more and understand more.

alhamdulillah. i'm grateful for what my parents did to me that made me someone who's very outspoken and very open minded. i accept everyone's ideas and every perceptions towards the world. you might say i'm not conservative and i'm too modernised and i'm too i don't know. spoiled? corrupted? corroded? i dont give a damn.

because what i am have brought me to where i am today. and i'm happy of where i am now. and with the people i've met. and with the culture i've learnt. and with the kind of society i've encountered. different yet every each one of them are special in their own ways. i'm not judgmental and i hate judging people. and i hate people who loves to judge.



everybody's different. why do you wanna care so much?



*freaking mindblown myself*

day 11

so i went to my grandma's place today coz my mom's youngest brother came over to visit. brought afa along. so she played with her uncles as they were quite the same age as her. and finally for the second time meeting baby pija! my youngest cousin - the little one. cant believe afa has an aunty who's younger than her by 2 years! hahaha. my family.

i love babies so much that watching them sleep made me wanna munch them. nomnomnomnomnom. as usual i love to hold babies and carry them. when pija woke up i was the one who carried her and calmed her down. and yeah of course pija stopped crying. when we stared at each other as i sang her a lullaby somehow i feel so touched that i want a baby on my own too. one day.

but im scared. i wont be a good mom to my child later. aku garang sangat. like seriously. aku garang kot dengan afa. aku je laa dalam family yang suka marah dia lol. mommy kata i'm too ranggi? dalam bahasa peghoknye. and to be a mother i need to be soft and gentle. but i can't. can i? could i? would i?

the big question is WOULD I?

i know i said i wouldnt change for anybody or anything. but what if being a mother that will change me one day? to be a more soft and gentle woman. a more caring and lovable person. to be more considerate and tolerate. who knows? but... if i ever get married laa one day. if i ever. if i dont then no children so no gentle me? LOL

i took care of afa like she's my own lil sister. not as my niece. we fought a lot like siblings do. and i love to bully her. like what big sisters would do to their younger siblings haha. i bathe her feed her play with her like an older sister. prolly coz of my age, my mentality, i'm still too young? but i'm turning 20 in a few days.. a few weeks.. still can consider myself as childish?

i dont think im childish. immature yes. childish no. im just not ready yet for all this commitment bullshit and sticking to a person for my whole life. its tooooo responsible? :O

p.s. lets just hope one day i'll find someone who i'm willing to share everything with. I HOPE.



xoxo,
n.