Thursday, December 26

day 11

so i went to my grandma's place today coz my mom's youngest brother came over to visit. brought afa along. so she played with her uncles as they were quite the same age as her. and finally for the second time meeting baby pija! my youngest cousin - the little one. cant believe afa has an aunty who's younger than her by 2 years! hahaha. my family.

i love babies so much that watching them sleep made me wanna munch them. nomnomnomnomnom. as usual i love to hold babies and carry them. when pija woke up i was the one who carried her and calmed her down. and yeah of course pija stopped crying. when we stared at each other as i sang her a lullaby somehow i feel so touched that i want a baby on my own too. one day.

but im scared. i wont be a good mom to my child later. aku garang sangat. like seriously. aku garang kot dengan afa. aku je laa dalam family yang suka marah dia lol. mommy kata i'm too ranggi? dalam bahasa peghoknye. and to be a mother i need to be soft and gentle. but i can't. can i? could i? would i?

the big question is WOULD I?

i know i said i wouldnt change for anybody or anything. but what if being a mother that will change me one day? to be a more soft and gentle woman. a more caring and lovable person. to be more considerate and tolerate. who knows? but... if i ever get married laa one day. if i ever. if i dont then no children so no gentle me? LOL

i took care of afa like she's my own lil sister. not as my niece. we fought a lot like siblings do. and i love to bully her. like what big sisters would do to their younger siblings haha. i bathe her feed her play with her like an older sister. prolly coz of my age, my mentality, i'm still too young? but i'm turning 20 in a few days.. a few weeks.. still can consider myself as childish?

i dont think im childish. immature yes. childish no. im just not ready yet for all this commitment bullshit and sticking to a person for my whole life. its tooooo responsible? :O

p.s. lets just hope one day i'll find someone who i'm willing to share everything with. I HOPE.


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