Friday, January 24

a gentle self reminder

"age is just a number. it will always increase throughout the years, so why do the need of a celebration?"

someone told me this and made me realise that a birthday celebration is indeed something a human wants but not what a human needs. it is said that why do we need a celebration when we know we're still going to grow older, we're still going to be more mature and we're still going to die in the end.

sometimes what a human wants is what a human needs.

this is what people always forgot. necessity is something that a human wants and need. it's their desire to have a celebration to remind oneself that they are not alone, that all the people they care and love, care and love of them, and that they know they are not alone.

i've never had a birthday celebration for myself before. i accept it and i live with it.

and that is how i know how lonely i am. i love and care about all those who i love. but i will never know who among them loves me back. i never expect anything from anyone. however, a little appreciation wouldn't hurt right? a little reminder that someone also do care and do love you too wouldn't hurt. a little hint of someone still remembers you wouldn't hurt.

i do have many people surrounding me everyday. especially in school. since i live almost my whole life away from home, i'm always surrounded by human beings. but i would always remind myself, that i can only trust myself as i, will not leave myself alone. and everybody else will somehow leave you in the end. either they'll leave you without noticing you or leaving you with happiness or leaving you in total despair.

i learnt that throughout my whole life.

and with that, i survived. i survived even i know that i'm all alone. i survived even i know that this may be permanent. i survived even i know it hurts. and this survival is a hard one. call me a sore loser for not having friends or anybody, IDGAF. it hurts, yes. but i know if i fight back, one day i'll get my happiness. probably not now, but most possibly in the future.

forget the past. seize the day. go with the flow. and dream of the future.

how i wish it's that easy. but it's not. don't say you know what i'm going through because none of you knows. i may smile everyday, laugh with all my heart and be cheerful everytime. but deep down, i know i have a miserable life. emptiness. darkness. sadness. despair. hurt.

i may not cry. i may not complain. i may not be depressed.

who will know? who will ever know? nobody.

but i have to stay strong. for everybody who i care about, who i love. i have to keep on smiling and enjoy the laughter for them. my family. my friends. my enemies. even strangers. because they don't know what i'm dealing with. and they don't have to know.

but most of you might probably wonder why am i telling this in public?

an entry is made based on what i feel. what's inside my heart. sometimes you just need to let it go to make space for new ones to fill in. you need to let go of the despair inside your heart to make way for happiness or other sets of despair. you need to let go to forgive. and forget.

forgiveness? that's really easy for me to do. i don't keep grudges. and i can easily forgive people. but to forget? that's the hard part. if i want to forget, i'll forget about everything - including the happy moments. but that's my problem, i don't want to forget the happy memories. i want to keep them. but in the end, those memories will lead me to pain. and sorrow. so why keep them?

that is why i'm quiet. because i have nothing to say. i have no memories - either happy ones or the sad ones. because if i forget, i will forget them all. and it hurts. for a human being to not have any memories or experience. to me, let's just make a new one instead. but then, listening to people who have memories, HURTS. really hurts. because i have none. and that is sad.

yes i do realise i sound so pathetic. but i am pathetic. and i don't care of what people think of me. this is my rights to express. and my rights to write whatever i want. neither my joy nor my pain. so why do care about what i write if you don't even care about me? don't say you care but then you actually don't. actions speak louder than words. eventhough words are powerful - as it's permanent but actions stays forever as memories. which i don't have.

happy birthday amirah nadhrah binti radzuan.

may you stay strong going through everything you have in life. may you stay strong for those who you care and love. may you stay strong, happy, and keep on smiling. you ask me what i want for my birthday?

all i ever wanted is to be happy and free.

but i know you can't make it true. i know nobody can make it true. and i know i'll be the only one who can make it true. but i can't. i don't have the strength. i don't have the will. i don't have the courage.

may the odds will ever be in my favour.

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